When you’re an insomniac freelance writer who works from home, you end up seeing a lot of infomercials, and eventually, those things will wear you down. No matter how skeptical you might start off, you will eventually get to a point where you’ll start to wonder if there actually is somebody out there with a better way to fry eggs, chop tomatoes and make milkshakes in the comfort of your own home. I mean, television’s never lied to us before, has it? That’s why I wanted to actually check out a few of these things to see if they really were the life-changing innovations they purported to be. Today’s experiment: The WaxVac.
The Pitch
The WaxVac has what is unquestionably one of the best commercials on television, to the point where I actually get excited whenever it comes on. I just love how ludicrously confrontational it is right out of the gate, wasting no time at all in setting itself up as the only sensible alternative to the barbarism of using a Q-Tip to clean your ears. That they chose to do this by having a grown man jam a cotton swab into his ear and then shriek like he is being murdered with actual knives, a scene so great that they show it twice and then have a frowny doctor examine the damage? That, my friends, is just a truly beautiful bonus feature.
They do have a point, though. Every box of cotton swabs does, in fact, carry a warning about how you’re not actually supposed to use them to clean out the inside of your ear, which is weird when you consider that this is quite literally the only thing I have ever used them for. Apparently, that’s pretty dangerous, as evidenced by their 100% scientific animation of a Q-Tip shoving its way through your eardrum. I’m one of the very few lucky ones, it seems.
Really, though, I actually went into this one hoping it would work. My own ears are crazy sensitive to moisture, and if I so much as get a stray raindrop in there, they end up aching for days. It’s the reason I almost never go swimming. Well, that and the fact that I have exactly the body you’d expect from someone who watches infomercials all night. Either way, having something that could get all that moisture out of there before it could cause any problems would be nice, and keeping my earbuds from getting any more gross than they already are wouldn’t hurt either.
Obviously, I needed a tiny vacuum cleaner designed to suck earwax directly out of my head. What
could possibly go wrong with that?
The Process
According to the ad, you can get two WaxVacs — seen above with a copy of 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand for scale — for ten bucks (plus shipping) by ordering it through their website. I’ll be honest with you, though: There was no way in hell I was going to plug my credit card number into the front page of a website selling earwax removal machines, no matter how charming their auto-playing videos may be. If you want my financial information without even the courtesy of a second webpage, then I’d better at least be seeing the hottest singles in my area naked.
Fortunately, since this was ostensibly a work-related earwax maintenance purchase, I had the option of getting Wired editor Laura Hudson to buy it for me. This, incidentally, is the only part of this entire process that I would recommend to anyone: Getting your boss to buy you things.
As it turns out, my reluctance was entirely founded. The purchase went off the rails almost immediately, as the $10 turned out to actually be $23.98 ($6.99 shipping and handling for each WaxVac), which you probably won’t notice until after you’ve been charged since it’s down at the bottom of the page — below the form you use to order the product, in a markedly smaller font size.
To make matters even more fun, Laura got a call on her cell phone the next day from the fine folks at WaxVac offering her “$100 in gas vouchers” (which she described as “almost certainly bullshit”) and then informing her that they would be shipping the WaxVacs to the wrong address (despite having my place of residence right there on the receipt) and that they couldn’t change it to the right one.
Three weeks later, they arrived.
The Product
If I were to ask you to describe the most pleasant sound you could possibly hear after you got out of the shower first thing in the morning, I’m pretty sure that we’d all agree that it would be the high-pitched whine of a vacuum cleaner motor, right? Well what if I told you that you could have this sound directly against your ear for up to five minutes? I know! It’s like a dream come true!
To be fair, the WaxVac isn’t all that loud unless you hold it right up to your ear, but since that is in fact the entire reason for it to exist, I’m pretty comfortable calling that one a design flaw. Considering that it’s not that much worse than just using a hair dryer, I’d be willing to overlook that if the machine itself actually did what it was supposed to do, but that’s not the case either.
It’s entirely possible that I have some kind of hardcore militant earwax that’s dug in there and won’t come out without the weapon of ear canal mass destruction that is the Q-Tip, but the WaxVac was not up to the task. I think the only “moisture and debris” that it was able to pull out were the bits that were dislodged from poking the nozzle around in there, which is what I would’ve been doing with a Q-Tip anyway. Except that once I was done, I would’ve just thrown the Q-tip away and gone on with my life instead of field-stripping the WaxVac and sterilizing it with rubbing alcohol.
Seriously, this thing is the pits. I gave it another shot before I sat down to start writing, and I swear to you, it actually made my ears feel worse. I’m just going to go ahead and just keep on risking having to visit a frowny doctor and explain that I sometimes jam sticks into my ear canal and then stare at them as though they have betrayed me. Hell, if this is the alternative, then I might actually prefer to go with one of those mind control ear slugs that Khan has Star Trek II.The WaxVac definitely lives up to the ad, but unfortunately, it’s only the part about how much it sucks.
Late-Night Infomercial Reviews: The Horror of the WaxVac
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Late-Night Infomercial Reviews: The Horror of the WaxVac
